KOPC presents HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERERS STONE
by etrnalgrace
Summary: my church, the korean open door prebysterian church (KOPC) puts on a production of Harry potter. if you know my church, and i know my church, nothing good will come from this...trust me. Please R and R! no flames please!
1. please read!

The Korean Open Door Presbyterian Church presents Harry Potter.  
Webmistress: etrnalgrace ( who shamelessly put herself in the play as one of the most important characters.)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter related. Because I am too poor to fly to London and steal it from J.K Rowling. j/k however.. All the people in this 'play" belong to me! MWAHAHAHAH!! No…actually they are all people that go to my church. And if you really care and want to read this, then read my intro to all the people that go to my church. Or if you know these people, go straight into the story please. Ill be adding additional people on the list as it goes on….  
  
A note: sorry, but this play is mainly aimed at Korean audience. If you don't understand something, please e-mail me (if you care that much) ill attempt to put a couple of cultural notes into this play. A word that I use a lot is shekkiee. It can be spelled in various ways (sheki, shheekkki!) but they all have the same meaning. It is not a very friendly word, The literal translation is "you little!" but most Korean people ( especially at my church) use it randomly, when trying to emphasize a point.  
  
Please, no flames, and I thought this was really funny…but I was probably high on nail polish remover. on accident! Of course!  
  
Please read and enjoy! 


	2. intro to our church please skip if alrea...

This is the list of characters in the play. Because each of the people in my church are either crazy or really crazy, this list should be interesting. This list will go in order of the people presented in the play. Starting with me. This was written with the help of my imaginary friend, Casio.  
  
Name: Grace (etrnlagrace)  
Grade and age: High school senior (whoot whoot!), 17  
School: the one on the south side! Service!!  
Looks: like any other Asian, only prettier! : b J/p!  
Hobbies: Writing ghetto little Fan fiction works, and piano, reading, praising with the church praise team, singing, snowboarding, and playing video games like a loser. (FFFangurl)  
Personality: Nice but has a tendency to become a little violent (Casio: a little? Like the titanic had a little leak!) quirky, and talk about MELODRAMATIC! Cant do anything with paint and paint related stuff.  
Famous quote: " I'm like a man, only I'm not." -said to Jessica when walking through the halls, trying to explain her personality.   
Interesting fact: can't say the word sizophrenia. Cant even spell it.   
  
Name: Kim Dae won Jibsannim (jibsannim- a dean of the church)   
Grade and age: Grade? Ha! He's too old. Way old.  
School: n/a  
Looks: squinty  
Hobbies: yelling at people, making people close their eyes when in a bad mood, trying to talk in English  
Personality: mean and bitter at the world.   
In-Famous quote: " everyone close your eyes!"- said to the youth group when people were goofing off during the announcements. This remark is most often accompanied by loud groans and protests. Although one spirited individual said a very inappropriate remark that got him in to a fine mess.  
  
Name: Jessica (potato. don't ask)  
Grade and age: Senior! (whoot whoot!) 18  
School: Service! Yay!  
Looks: almost perfectly Asian, only has Cleopatra eyes. Egyptian, I mean.  
Hobbies: being a brat (j/p) reading, yelling at people and cello. And studying, being the loser that she is. (FFFangurl!)  
Personality: nice until you make her mad* ooh*that is something you only want to see once in a lifetime…levelheaded. The worst memory - EVER.  
Famous quote: " I've finally figured out the secret to being beautiful. Diaphanous veils!" -said to Grace after watching Turandot (the opera, you ruffian!)  
  
Name: Becky aka: Tamamochi Hayasaka  
Grade and age: high school freshman. 14  
School: the one on the east side. Boo.  
Looks: like a man, only not.   
Hobbies: playing drums, acting scenes out from Harry Potter, praising, reading the bible, making people laugh.  
Personality: talk about Hyper, eccentric and very, very scary.   
Famous quote: " Write it down!" -addressed to Grace during the movie Harry Potter 2, telling Grace to write down the spells used in the dueling club scene. On a water bottle. With a permanent marker.   
  
Name: Ben aka: lousy guy friend that bailed out at the last second before junior Prom.   
Grade and age: junior. 16  
School: where lousy guy friends that bailed out at the last second before junior Prom goes.   
Looks: like a lousy guy friend that bailed out at the last second before junior Prom.   
Hobbies: being a lousy guy friend that bailed out at the last second before junior Prom.   
Personality: lousy.   
Famous quote: " I'm going to prom, I promise!"- said to Grace, after telling everyone else in the world that he was not going. (I'm just a little bitter about that!)  
  
Name: Irwin   
Grade and age: sophomore. I dunno.  
School: Service high! yay!  
Looks: Chinese boy with a finger missing -because he is! Geez...  
Hobbies: annoying people, skate-snow-and probably surf boarding.  
Personality: annoying. Nice. Even more melodramatic than me! Who'd have thunk?  
Famous quote:"Darn" -said after he lost his finger in a food processing accident. This statement was followed by a long string of cuss words and screaming. At least, I think it was.   
  
Name: Sam aka: Herbert  
Grade and age: Old. Old   
School: school for old people.   
Looks: ruggedly handsome...is what I'd like to say, except that it really doesn't apply here.   
Hobbies: Being a evil tyrant over the Easter play. Giving kids rides to church activities. Working at Morning Glory forever and ever!!! MWAHAH!  
Personality: sadistic,( he made me eat a whole spoonful of garlic!) decent when he wants to be, which is once in a blue moon.   
Famous quote: " uh huh.." -said in a sarcastic way about every ten seconds.   
  
Name: Joanne aka: supastah!  
Grade and age: junior. 17  
School: ghetto north side school (Dimond!)  
Looks: like a ghetto supastah!  
Hobbies: singing, making strange stuff, dancing, and being vindictive to smaller creatures than herself.   
Personality: read the above.  
Famous quote:   
  
Name: Ji  
Grade and age: 11th. 17  
School: the same one that the loser that bailed out of prom at the last second goes to.  
Looks: also ruggedly handsome ( everyone must remember that right now, I am high off nail polish!)  
Hobbies: video games, driving around, skipping school.  
Personality: nice but really, really, really, really stubborn.  
Famous quote: "Grace is a freak!"- he says this every time I play final fantasy music on the piano. that's not too weird…is it?  
  
Name: Amy aka: MinJi  
Grade and age: high school Junior. 17  
School: the one on the east side. Boo.  
Looks: like the chick from "beautiful days"( a famous drama in Korea)  
Hobbies: guitar, web surfing, being sarcastically witty.  
Personality: nice to people she knows. Indifferent to people she doesn't know. Evil to the one she hates. Don't get on her bad side. Bad idea.   
Famous quote: " I got Juzza in my Pice!" -said after she got JUICE in her PIZZA. Sometime I think that she might be dyslexic.   
"Thar she blows!!"-said to me. Yes, what a lovely friend!:b ( for those of you who don't know, this is said to Moby Dick by that sailor guy that wanted to kill it.)  
  
Name: Ryan  
Grade and age: sophomore. 15 - a young'un  
School: South! Yea!  
Looks: like that one soccer player in the world cup. Yeah, that one.  
Hobbies: being a pain in the ass, video games, drums.  
Personality: nice (I've been saying that a lot!) um... I cant think of anything kindly to say* I'm getting brain block*   
Famous quote: "okay, I'm a stupid guy" -damn straight! This was said to me after my friends and I called him a friggin idiot for being one.   
  
Justin  
James  
Jasmine  
Coming soon... 


	3. scene 1: here comes Harry! wait, a girl?

Person 1: OW! Freaking shekkiee!! Stop stepping on my foot!  
Person 2: Shut up! We're starting in ten seconds, don't make me hurt you!  
Person 3: whispering all of you, be quiet, the curtains are going up.  
Person 1:muttering ie-shee...  
  
(silence in the background, darkness in the auditorium)  
  
*stage lights up, there is a red curtain and Kim Dae Won jibsannim walks on the stage*  
KDW: Ahem. Everybody welcome to KOPC production of Harry Potter and Sorcerers stone! We work hard for this production and we put all time in together to clean and to get people to come to church. It was difficult. But production was good. Now everyone clap or I make you close your eyes!!  
  
(complete silence, crickets chirp in the background)  
  
Person 2: (sardonically) well, that was as clear as mud.  
Person 3: Clearer than most of his sermon notes. ( cultural note (CN): actually this isn't cultural. He just cant talk in English that well, but he tries SO hard.)  
Person 2: so true... and so sad.   
Person 1: Whose idea was to use him?  
Person 4: if we didn't use him here, we would have had to cast him as something else.  
Person 1: well then, good call, good call.  
KDW: (takes of his shoes menacingly)  
  
(everyone applauds loudly)  
  
KDW: (puts shoes back on) Thank you. Now we start the play!!  
  
////Curtain rises //////  
  
* big lime green and purple sign comes up. It says  
  
centerHairy Poter 'n the Sorcerz Stones  
  
Person 5: who made this cruddy sign?   
Grace: Shut up!! I ran out of paint! I had to improvise with play doh!  
Person 5: you could of at least spelled it right...  
(Grace takes out a giant rubber hammer and slams person 5's head. He is knocked out.)  
Person 1-4: (sweat drop)  
  
*Harry Potter theme song music plays in the background as the curtains go up behind the cruddy wooden sign.*  
  
Jessica: We're gonna get sued big time...(sweat drop) do we have a license for this music?  
Becky: Nope!  
(sign falls down, Ben and Irwin in their Crabbe and Goyle costumes comes to get it, then leaves the stage)  
Grace: (hits forehead with hand) OY! Start the scene!!   
  
*curtains are up, and the scene is...uh...at Juliet's balcony. I mean, the Durseley's balcony scene. It starts as Harry Potter music plays and Sam oppa (CN: oppa, is a word that a girl uses to call any guy that is older than her. Guys call any guys that are older than them "hyung"), with a big giant beard that looks like a nest, walks out.*  
(audience bursts out laughing)  
Sam: SHHHHH!!!  
(audience stops laughing, someone snickers)  
Sam: (points at someone in the audience, and says menacingly) I know where you live…  
(laughing turns into whimpers)  
Jessica: START THE FRIGGIN PLAY!!!  
Sam: (throws Jessica a dirty look) fine. AHEM! (walks until he sees the cat) Hello Professor McGonagall  
*suddenly, the curtain crashes down. Then, just as suddenly the curtain goes back up. In place of the cat, there is Joanne, in a long robe with a witches hat.*  
Joanne: (overacting) You~ WouldNT leave HARRY with these Muggles would YOU? TheY are THEE Worst KInDS of MUGGLES there are!  
Sam: (wincing) ouch.(in a raspy voice) I know, I know, but this are the only family he has...now where is Hagrid? He's late!  
  
*a rumbling from the distant corner of the stage. You can see a bathtub attached to wires coming from the corner. The bathtub seems to sag, and no wonder because Ji hoon is sitting in it holding something that looks strangely like wrapped salami. The wires snap, and the bath tub goes crashing down, and as Ji tries to right himself , he dropped the bundle he was carrying and you can see that it is, actually, a wrapped salami.*  
  
Sam: (trying not to laugh) oh, there he is  
Joanne: where is Harry?  
Ji: (in a weird accent) Here ya go, sorry I'm late. Sirus let me borrow his flying bathtub.  
(Joanne takes the "baby" from Ji hoon.)  
Joanne: Oh my, he has a scar on his forehead!  
Ji: (peers over) uh.. No, I knida got hungry waiting for my scene.  
Joanne: (ignoring him) It must be the dark lord's inflection point!  
  
)Backstage(  
Jessica: (muttering) arrg...tell me I was drunk or something when I wrote this play..  
Amy: Sorry, but you were completely sober, not to mention, dancing with joy.  
Grace: But you were muttering about Mrs. Johnson and the evils of Calculus when you were writing this..  
Jessica: Well, that explains that.  
  
(from onstage)  
Sam: um...excuse me, we're trying to act here!  
  
)Backstage(  
Jessica: Back to the scene!  
  
(onstage again)  
Sam: (leaves the "baby" in basket) Well then, I am off to a wizard party thrown by Mr. and Mrs. Amos Diggory. Good luck, Harry Potter.  
  
(curtains slam down again, hard on Sam oppa's foot. )  
Sam: @#^$#$^$@^$^  
(audience gasps)  
Amy: (laughs evilly) This is for all the lies you told Jin!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
the end of my first action packed chapter...blah blah... 


	4. scene 2: show me the Durselys! wait, no!...

*scene ends, and Harry Potter music plays, and you can hear rustling backstage as people try to clean the stage up. Then the curtain goes back up, and you can see a large refrigerator box and a kitchen set. Inside the kitchen, there seems to be the Goodyear blimp and a Shufu in it. In side the refrigerator box, there is Becky in a short hair cut, boys style, and duct taped boobs. She is wearing a horn rimmed sunglasses with the frames popped out. There is also a hecka fake looking scar on her forehead, and for some reason, it is shaped as a star. Becky seems to be sleeping in a sleeping bag in the refrigerator box.*  
  
)Backstage(  
Jessica: who made this scene?  
Ryan: (tentatively puts hand up) uh.. I did.   
Jessica: DIE!! (she shoots a rocket launcher, anime style, to Ryan, and he is knocked out, apparently dead.) That should teach you to make such ugly set for plays!!  
Amy: (nervously) heh...Jessica, you're scary when you're angry...  
  
(back onstage)  
(Justin walks out in a fat suit, and starts hitting the side of the refrigerator box with all his might. Considering that the fat suit gives him about 280 pounds, he is moving very slowly)  
  
Justin: Wake *gasp!* Up! Wake *wheeze!* Up! I want my food and we are *gasp* going to the zoo today! I want to look at the *can't breathe~* baboons!  
  
(exhausted from the effort, Justin manages to hit the side of the refrigerator box once, then falls down in a faint. The box falls and crushes Becky, who is conveniently sleeping in the box, forgetting that this is a play.)  
  
Becky: (waking up suddenly) AHH@#$@#$@!$!!!!!!  
(the box crushes Becky, and it is a tense moment as both characters are lying in a dead faint on the stage)  
  
)backstage(  
Grace: um...what do we do now?  
Amy: (light bulb) I know!  
  
*the curtain crashes down, and there is sounds of a struggle on the stage. Then from beneath the curtains, a puddle of water forms and splashes the audience. Then suddenly, the curtain goeas back up, and both characters are awake and revived, abeit wet. *  
  
Becky: (getting back in to the play) blimey! I told Aunt Petunia to turn down the water hose into my room! Hahaha!  
9audience is silent, still in shock at the water incident)  
  
Amy: (walks out in front of the stage) Its okay people, we are back in session!  
  
*Becky walks out of the crushed box, and sees Justin in his fat suit. Becky starts laughing hysterically, and falls to the floor, laughing her head off*  
  
Becky: whoo...(wiping off tears.) ooh...sorry Justin, but this is going in my memory bank for a long long time.  
  
)Backstage(  
Jessica: Who cast my brother as Dudley?( starts giving off an anger aura)  
Grace: uh...(starts edging closely to the door) not me~! It was...Him!   
(grace points at Sam oppa, who was sitting innocently, trying to get the pigdeon out of his beard. Jessica launches a missile at him, and knocks him out unconscious)  
  
(back onstage)  
*the spotlight has now been fixed from where Becky and Justin were, and is now focused on the kitchen. James, in a sumo suit, is sitting on a couch, reading a newspaper. Jasmine is wearing stiletto heels and is wearing a frumpy housewife dress.*  
Jasmine: I look like a moron  
James: and I look like Fat bastard after the dinner line at Royal Fork. Stop your whining!  
(Justin and Becky walks in. Justin, being a great actor, has a composed face, while Becky is looking at all the people and trying not to laugh or spit flying boogers and all of them)  
Justin: Hi mommy. Hi daddy: give me presents  
James: (muttering) ungrateful little br-  
Jasmine: ( loudly ) OF COURSE Dudley dear! We have 36 presents for you! You almost have as much presents as Ji Hoon gets after he gets in trouble! Isn't it grand! Here is a Playstation 2, X-box and a game cube. And of course we got you a new Jaguar and a limited edition Nike Air Jordans, signed by the big man himself, KOBE BRYANT!   
James: (whispering) don't you mean Michael Jordan shoes?  
Jasmine: no. I mean Kobe Bryant. Because he is hot. You got a problem?  
James: uh.. None. Sorry. Anyways, go on with the scene my boy!   
Justin: okay!wait, you said you only got me 36?   
James: yes, my boy. 36 presents that cost over a hundred dollars eac..   
Justin: THIRTY SIX! But last year I got THIRTY SEVEN!!  
Jasmine: ooh...you know he mad when he spells out the numbers!   
*Justin, overacting, goes on a rampage and attempts to kill everyone and everything in sight.*   
)Backstage(  
Jessica: He is such a good actor!! (beaming with pride)   
Amy: (looking worried) don't you think he's over acting a little?  
Jessica: NO!  
Grace: Okay... If you say so.  
  
*five minutes pass, and Justin is still going on a rampage, and half the set has been ripped down.   
Jessica's smile slowly falters*   
Grace: Um... don't you think this is going too far?  
Jessica: oh no...man... not this again. He goes on these rampages every yearand only one thing can stop him.   
Amy: light bulb I know!   
  
*Amy, who had been reading too many Kodocha novels, goes behind the rampaging Justin, and Karate chops him over the head. Justin, instead of getting uh...limp, turns around and screams at Amy. Now Justin is chasing Amy across the stage, and everyone should remember, that he is still in a fat suit. Amy goes screaming across the stage with Justin in hot pursuit. James, thinking rather quickly, sticks his Goodyear blimp legs out and trips Justin. Justin falls slowly, and when he finally hits the floor, the auditorium shakes and the last of the scenery on the stage falls down.*  
  
)backstage(   
Jessica: aw crap.  
Grace: um... is he okay?  
Jessica: don't worry, Justin will be fine, he does this every year.  
Grace: no, I mean Sam oppa. He seems to be having a heart attack.   
  
*Sam oppa in the corner clutching his stomach, as if he ate a bad banana.*  
  
Sam: BWAHAHAHA!!! OHMIGODSH! IM GONG TO DIE LAUGHING!!! HAHAHAHA!  
Becky: you are just Mr. Sensitive aren't ja.  
Amy: (panting) OH MY GOSH! I almost DIED! Justin is really fast, even when wearing that fat suit.   
Grace: are you sure you're just not really slow?  
Amy: (death glare to Grace) What?  
Grace: (shivers) nothing. Nothing. Lets get on with the play, Becky get back on the stage. You do know that we've only been through two scenes. We have like 476 left. And its been 3 hours already. Its going to be a long night...  
  
*if you look in the audience, people are setting up camp, sleeping bags and lighting the kerosene lamps, apparently prepared for the long, long play ahead.*  
  
onstage  
James: come on family unit! Lets go to the zoo because it's our little puddle bottom's birthday! Isn't that right honey?  
Jasmine: (muttering) please do not make me gag- I mean, of course honey, now lets load lard bottom here and the skinny girl-that-is-dresses-as-a-guy and get to the zoo. Because as you know, there is no chance of anything going wrong at the zoo! No sir!   
James: (stage whisper) could she be just a little more sarcastic?  
*Jasmine grabs James, Justin and Becky by the neck and drags them all off stage. The curtain comes crashing down behind them.*  
  
Sam: ...oOWw...my foot...  
Amy: (evil laugh) heh heh...  
  
...TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yay! Another one finished! I hope this was funny to you as it is to me. But nothing can be as funny to you as too me, I'm too crazy. (MWAHAH!) anyways, thanks for reading, and if I get reviews, ill be sure to post more!  
etrnalgrace 


End file.
